World In My Heart
by IvoryMoonlight
Summary: The only way to survive when your heart is torn between two worlds is to erase the one causing you more pain. But by doing so, Susan lost what was most important to the world she had chosen; her family. Maybe she had made the wrong decision after all..


Susan Pevensie woke with a start, her limbs lightly shaking as remnants from her dream still lingered on in her memory. She sat on her bed upright with an abrupt jerk of her upper body and by doing so a wave of unwelcome darkness engulfed her momentarily.

She sighed gravely as her thoughts fell back into place. She needn't look at the calendar to know the date. She had been mentally bracing herself for that day since about a week ago. Some people would have thought that after seven years, the pain would have subsided even the slightest tad.

But they couldn't have been more wrong.

The pain merely grew more strong and heart-wrenching each passing year. And along with it so did her anger. She chuckled bitterly at the thought as she let her feet drop in her slippers next to her bed before she stood up, tall and gracious. «Dear Lu… I shall never figure out why you always insisted upon calling me gentle when my heart has come to hold such ugly feelings.»

But subconsciously, she knew the answer to that question.

Susan sniffled softly at the memory of the sweetest young girl she called her little sister. What could have that ever kind creature been doing seven years ago to the day when that godforsaken train crash took place? What could she have been saying? She must have been awfully frightened and sad.

The young woman didn't even want to think about it but somehow she always ended up doing so. And there was one question in particular that was always toying around with her thoughts and sentiments. Was it by any chance possible that anyone of her family riding that train even thought, if only for a split second, of her or said their goodbyes to her, when they realised they were doomed to this cruel fate?

_No_, Susan shook her head, a sorrowful but mocking smile creeping on her flawlessly pretty face. No, they probably had been too annoyed and furious by all of the nasty things her mouth had catapulted towards them. They might have also come to detest her for always saying spiteful things about their so precious imaginary place.

…_Narnia_…

Susan remembered clearly as if it had happened the day before what had been said back then when they asked her to join them on their quest back to… that place which was obviously in great peril. _«Narnia? Lucy, you **must **be joking, right?_ _What wonderful memories you all have! Fancy you still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children!»_

The disappointment on her sister's face was greater than ever before. It felt as though Lucy was mourning over something…over _her_? It was not the first time Susan would express her thoughts on their childhood game which they still insisted on it being as real as they all were. But that time she must have looked extremely frustrated and hopeless to the innocent eyes of her ever faithful sister.

Lucy had pursed her lips in a stubborn manner that only expressed her deepest regret and surrender. _«How can you possibly forget a place where you have spent fifteen most wonderful years of your life?!»_

She had never heard the youngest Pevensie shout at the top of her lungs and at such a fashion. That was the point when the gears in her head had actually started spinning, tagging on the memories buried deep down in the smallest corner of her mind. But she had said naught for she was even more stubborn than her sister.

_«Forget her, Lu. If she feels being concerned only for parties and lipsticks and boys is what's best for her, than let her be. She's beyond our help now.» _The oldest brother had thrown a protective arm around his baby sister's shoulders.

And then Susan's confused heart had been triggered by an annoying feeling that kept on tugging at her heartstrings every moment that she realised it was them against her. No one to stand up for her, no one to support and comfort her. No one. And it was only much later that she figured out it had been jealousy that drove her into being such a despicable person, not worthy of being called tender Lucy's older sister.

Hot tears blurred her vision as she found herself before her wardrobe. If only she could turn back time. Wiping them away hastily, she picked out a dress of the darkest black color and swiftly slipped into it.

After putting on her black heels, she drove herself in front of her room's mirror and went for the blood-red lipstick standing haughtily on the small table next to the rest of her make-up tools. Her hand stopped in midair and after a moment of menacingly narrowed blue eyes and bitter thoughts, with a swift but abrupt jerk of her arm, the lipstick was now rolling on the wooden floor. She merely brushed her hair and pulled them in a round bun on the top of her head and then put on a great black hat with a matching veil falling loosely all around her vision.

«No lipsticks and nylons today. Just me. Just…Susan.» she whispered in a breath and then headed out of the great mansion that once belonged to the Professor who had taken her and her siblings under his wing when the war had still been raging on. She had thought of selling that place –along with its wardrobe in it- but couldn't find the strength to do so. So she had ended up living in it the past two years.

This year, she had realised she had been distancing herself from her usual activities. No matter how many invitations for parties and dances she would receive, she would only accept to go to the ones she had to or was forced to. In that place, along with her grief and sorrow, she had discovered a forgotten side of her. She would suddenly get images of this bewitching place that looked so familiar and yet so exotic all at the same time and she would get the strangest urge to capture those images out of fear she would never gaze upon them again.

Slowly but steadily, the house of the professor had now been practically turned into a painter's home, a private gallery. She wasn't all that good but practice makes perfect. They were the strangest sceneries and places one had ever seen but the most beautiful and enchanting ones. It almost felt as though magic would flow through the paintings. A friend of hers wanted to publicize her small gallery but somehow she had refused her in the rudest way possible. She wanted to keep all this peace and serenity emitting from the pictures for herself.

And thus she had found her comfort.

Sometimes she would dream of the places she would later imprint on the canvas and those dreams would poke on her undisclosed memories. Those nights she wished the most her dearest siblings were by her side, clutching at her hand, petting her head, soothing her.

She wandered around the great garden she had been taking care of when she needed some fresh air. With a small content smile, she plucked nine flowers off their bushes. Later on, each of these flowers was decorating a tomb at the village's cemetery nearby.

She wanted so badly to lay there among them. Not few were the times when the tempting thought of meeting the same fate as them crossed her mind. She clearly remembered once how appealing was the thought of jumping on the steel tracks a moment before the train crossed them. But as she had unconsciously taken a step forward a loud, deafening but somehow muffled sound distracted her. It seemed oddly familiar but alarming as it was a sound one would usually listen to when in jeopardy and in need of help. Such was the fright she got at first, that her eyes scanned the train station in frenzy to identify the source of the sound but found nothing.

But what bewildered her the most was that no one seemed affected by it but her.

«I should have been with them.» she muttered to herself as she wandered off in the woods of the countryside she had grown so fond of. «If only I had reached that train right on time…if only I hadn't been such a fool and had gone with them right from the start…and to not be able to at least apologise to them… ugh, why am I so stupid?»

«Child.» a deep voice behind her had her jumping backwards in fright.

«What- Who are you?»

The author of the voice, an old but tall man, had his golden, surprisingly unaffected by his age, eyes glued on her. «Child, you consider yourself foolish for not having gone with them or for not having apologised?»

Susan's eyes narrowed in a thin line momentarily, question written all over her face. «You didn't answer my question, sir.» Her logic was advising her that she be on her guard but her instinct told her to let her heart be revealed to the elderly. And that was an instinct she could hardly decipher but unconsciously decided to follow it no matter what. Cause that's what _they_ would do.

She sighed defeated by the cryptic gentle smile on the man's lips that seemed to silently egg her on. «W-Well, both, I suppose. Back then, I was a perfect beast to those I loved more than life itself. I knew I was on the wrong but still behaved the way I did out of folly and jealousy.»

«It is good you are able to admit your wrong-doings without a trace of doubt or fear. Your brothers and sister would have been very proud.»

The young woman was left agape by his words. «How do you know-?»

«I was there, child.» he instantaneously replied and Susan noticed he hadn't even listened to her full question. There was something terribly peculiar about this old man but the aura emitting from him was so familiar and comforting. Like a sweet breath blowing on her face, giving her courage and belief. But it had been years since she had last felt that warm gust of wind whipping softly her hair and face. So many years that she felt her eyes almost well up in nostalgia.

«Do you not remember me?» the voice broke her off her reverie gently. «I am always there, watching over you.»

She took a step back, eyes narrowed as she felt she had to raise her walls back on. Such words normally would set off anyone, especially the ever logical Susan. But instead of being alarmed, she felt a wave of confusion crashing upon her and yet she knew the answer she was looking for was so obvious that even a blind one would have been able to see it. What was she missing?

«And so are your family and every loved one you are so longing to see again.»

«I- I'm sorry, I don't think understand what you're trying to tell me.»

The elderly offered her one of his usual caring smiles «Walk with me, daughter of Eve.» Susan, uncertain, started treading side by side with the man, a sudden anxiety taking over her. Why wasn't she upset that a complete stranger was talking to her so casually, addressing her so oddly? «No need to be frightened, my daughter.»

«Well, it's only natural, isn't it? To be cautious around strangers.»

«But I am no stranger. Have you no remembrance of our other meetings? Maybe they did not take place in this manner but things never happen the same way twice, child.»

She heard his last words repeat themselves in her mind so many times till she had a small migraine and only one word could form in her mouth. « Lucy.» Was it that she had heard that exact same phrase from her?

«It is I who has taught your valiant sister those words, dear one, and she has always treasured them in her heart.» Susan noticed the faintest hint of adoration and pride in his shimmering gold eyes but decided against voicing her thoughts on it. «Susan,» having her name spoken with his rich, compassionate voice had a small flutter grow in her heart. « I know life's been hard on you. Your heart has always been trapped between two worlds hence you decided to push away the one that caused you more pain. That was expected of you, to follow your logic and not your heart, like your sister always does.»

«Sir, please, I don't know what you are talking about now. Please let me go home.»

«Susan, I am simply aiding you to return to your home.» The now frantic girl looked up at him puzzled. «Do you not wish to see your family again, dear one?»

«More than anything in the world but that's-»

«So let me offer you my guidance and see them you shall. Open up your eyes, Susan. I know you are ready to accept me once more.»

The girl was starting to get desperate. She had never been one for puzzles and enigmas, they'd get her obsessed and agitated in such a level that she couldn't see the answer that was right in front of her eyes. «Please, sir, you're not making any sense. My family is dead, I could never see them again unless I had to die too. But probably I'd be damned for being such a selfish, cruel sister to them whereas they should be in paradise. So I couldn't be with them even then!»

Her vision was starting to get foggy and only when she felt moisture on her cheek did she realise she had started to get teary. The old man said nothing, he merely removed her black-veiled hat, placed a hand on the back of her neck and left a quick kiss on her forehead. She made no protest nor made a move to claim her hat back but solely stared into his golden eyes. «Sir, you do not even know me.»

«Have you not been listening, Susan? Or are you still as hesitant to open up your heart again?» The brunette moved wordlessly her lips, restoring his knowing smile. «Deep inside you know where they are, do you not? You remember precisely where they were heading that day.»

Somehow her blue gaze fell down heavy, as if the answer would sprout from the soil. But she knew the answer already. It wasn't Professor Kirke's house, not really. It was…

«Narnia.»

When she lifted her gaze, expectant to see the probable approval in his eyes, she only found thin air. Her eyes widened in disappointment. _No_, why had he left? How rude, to abandon her in the middle of a conversation, especially such a crucial one. She clenched her jaw obstinately. She had to tell him, she had to give him the answer.

Subconsciously her feet took her wandering in the woods, her eyes frantically roaming the area for a sign of him. How could he have disappeared? She had only taken her eyes off him for a split second! He couldn't have gone too far.

A small sound from her left made her snap, almost victoriously, her head to the direction it came from. What she saw had her heart racing as she fought back a cry. Her eyes widened at the sight of a great lion standing a few feet away from her. A lion, in England? That was impossible. Yet here it was, tall and majestic. But as much fright its sight gave her, the moment it directed its eyes on her, she felt no fear nor terror.

_Those eyes of gold…_

They stayed like that for a good whole minute, staring deeply into each other's eyes. She felt confusion and admiration altogether. She knew the logical thing to do was to make a run for it, not _gaze_ at it. Still the lion didn't allow her to observe him any further as with a great roar he disappeared among the woods, leaving the young woman alone, letting her weight give in to her wobbly knees. She never spoke to anyone of the event that had seemingly changed her life for the best.

A year later, Susan had finally turned her mansion into a small gallery. People admired the magical aura flowing in the rooms, emitted by her paintings. They wished to know the locations of the bewitching sceneries in her pictures. Her only answer «It's a world existing only in my heart.» followed by a charming apology. But her masterpiece was the one raising all the questions, the portrait of a glorious lion, with a golden mane rich and royal and eyes fearful yet admirable staring right into their souls. And even Susan couldn't give answer as to her title choice. For even she didn't quite know what _Aslan_ meant. She only knew that it put a smile on her face each time she thought about it.

* * *

**_Not too sure how I feel about this one-shot. I feel like I didn't capture Susan's character as well as I hoped I would. Well, I can only wish that you liked it! _**

**_So, I didn't want to show Susan wholeheartedly accepting Narnia and Aslan but slowly and unconsciously doing so. He have her a helping hand for sure but rediscovering is something that, IMO, she has to do on her own. But He has helped her find her way and you can see she lets Him in her heart again when she is able again to see him in his lion form. I thought that was a nice way to show it. Aaaaaanyway, this is the part where I plead for reviews (pretty please?!) and thank you for being able to read (even if not all of it) this oneshot of mine! Much appreciated! Love you all! :D_**


End file.
